Read to the end. I'm giving away a CD.
I've been listening to quite a bit of Jason Michael Carroll (JMC). He's performing in the Country for Kids concert to support N.C. Children's hospital on November 18th, together with James Otto, Clay Walker, and Rodney Atkins. I've made a nice mix of their best songs to get me in the groove. It's a little pre-concert routine I have.
Lately when JMC's "Alyssa Lies" comes up in the shuffle I can't help but tear up. Assuming he plays this song at the concert, there isn't likely to be a dry eye in the place. Many of us are going to be thinking about the sad search for the Zahra Baker, who has been missing a month from the Hickory, N.C. area. The fact that Zahra Baker has battled cancer, which resulted in her losing her leg and partial hearing, and that the concert supports a childrens hospital, is going to hammer home the sad circumstances of her recent life and assumed death from abuse. There is a certain communal guilt in stories like hers, and one that is expressed in the song. If you want to read an article detailing how Zahra was treated in the public setting of her neighborhood, read this article from the Winston-Salem Journal.
The song isn't new, but if you haven't heard it, Alyssa Lies tell the story of a father who takes a couple days to understand that his daughter has a new friend who comes to school full of bruises. He decides to go to the school the next day to report what he has heard but it is too late. The child has died. This story isn't far fetched. Neighbors and family reported Zahra's abuse to social services but ultimately not enough was done to help her.
It makes me question my response to something I witnessed on the beach this summer. There was a group of adults and their kids sitting nearby, listening to music and playing in the water. Then all of a sudden a father starts yelling at his eight year old son because he dumped sand on his mother's feet and towel, puts him over his knee and proceeded to spank him on his bare tuchas, a handful of smacks. I shook my head and moved my chair away. Others shook their heads and glared at them. My sister-in-law, an attorney, told me that I should have called the authorities, but on what grounds? Spanking is legal in South Carolina. The man wasn't beating his son. He humiliated his son in public and proved to all the world that he's a humorless father with a terrible temper and weak parenting skills, but he didn't damage the boy physically.
Now, looking back, I ask myself, if that father was angry enough to spank his kid in front of everyone on the beach for something so trivial, what does he do when the child truly misbehaves? To this day I'm not sure what I should have done. Should I have spoken up? "Hey there! Take a deep breath and get a grip, Mister."? Perhaps.
I was reminded of this incident further during a Jewish ethics class I take once a week. We were discussing the characteristics of an ethical person. Maimonides, a renowned Jewish philosopher from the Middle Ages, said that anger is one character trait that we should avoid completely, even in situations where anger would be a normal response. "Therefore, [the Sages] instructed us that one should distance himself from anger so much so that one accustoms himself not to feel even things which [would ordinarily] incite one to anger. And this is the ideal path." To apply this to parenting, Maimonides says that if one needs to act angry to get a child's attention, that's OK, but one shouldn't actually be angry. Why? One reason is that when people are very angry, they do irrational things. Their wisdom and good judgement escapes them.
But the culture of using corporal punishment is not based on anger. Anger escalates it and ultimately is what kills children, but if we take the Montgomey Gentry song "You Do Your Thing" that says "I ain't gonna spare the rod, Cuz that ain't what my daddy did, And I sure know the difference between wrong and right" it shows a rationally made parenting decision. One of my graduate school professors tells a story about how she learned basic carpentry. She misbehaved in a way her father found so egregious that he had her go out to his workroom and use his saws, drills and sand paper to make a paddle that he later beat her with. It was obvious from the telling of the story that the memory of her father's cold cruelty was far more significant than any memory she had of the lesson learned. An angry parent who inflicts pain as the standard consequence for misbehavior is not going to be able to make good decision regarding the intensity of such a punishment. A parent who isn't angry, and still uses pain as a method of punishing or training a child, is either a bit of a sadist or sadly misguided by family tradition.
One of my favorite parenting songs is "Watching You" by Rodney Atkins, who is also performing at the Country for Kids concert. His song sweetly states that our children see how we behave and behave accordingly. In the song, the boy uses a swear word and tells the father he learned it from watching him, and when the boy prays, and the father realizes that the boy’s faith comes from watching him as well.
What part of our behavior do we want to see reflected back at us when we visit our children's households? How are we going to prevent sad stories like Zahra's from happening over and over again? I bet that some people don't think that these things are connected, but they are. Our tempers and methods of discipline are on a continuum. It's up to each one of us to decide where we are along that line and if we're really comfortable with how our behavior could ultimately affect our children and our children's children.
To promote discussion, I'm giving away the latest CD of one of the four artists performing at the Country for Kids concert, James Otto, Jason Michael Carroll, Clay Walker, or Rodney Atkins. Leave an interesting comment on this subject. Extra credit goes to the writers who uses a musical reference in their comments. I'll announce the winner on Monday Nov. 15th. The winner chooses which CD they want. If the winner doesn't want a CD I'll make an equivalent donation to N.C. Children's Hospital in thier honor.
I've been listening to quite a bit of Jason Michael Carroll (JMC). He's performing in the Country for Kids concert to support N.C. Children's hospital on November 18th, together with James Otto, Clay Walker, and Rodney Atkins. I've made a nice mix of their best songs to get me in the groove. It's a little pre-concert routine I have.
Lately when JMC's "Alyssa Lies" comes up in the shuffle I can't help but tear up. Assuming he plays this song at the concert, there isn't likely to be a dry eye in the place. Many of us are going to be thinking about the sad search for the Zahra Baker, who has been missing a month from the Hickory, N.C. area. The fact that Zahra Baker has battled cancer, which resulted in her losing her leg and partial hearing, and that the concert supports a childrens hospital, is going to hammer home the sad circumstances of her recent life and assumed death from abuse. There is a certain communal guilt in stories like hers, and one that is expressed in the song. If you want to read an article detailing how Zahra was treated in the public setting of her neighborhood, read this article from the Winston-Salem Journal.
The song isn't new, but if you haven't heard it, Alyssa Lies tell the story of a father who takes a couple days to understand that his daughter has a new friend who comes to school full of bruises. He decides to go to the school the next day to report what he has heard but it is too late. The child has died. This story isn't far fetched. Neighbors and family reported Zahra's abuse to social services but ultimately not enough was done to help her.
It makes me question my response to something I witnessed on the beach this summer. There was a group of adults and their kids sitting nearby, listening to music and playing in the water. Then all of a sudden a father starts yelling at his eight year old son because he dumped sand on his mother's feet and towel, puts him over his knee and proceeded to spank him on his bare tuchas, a handful of smacks. I shook my head and moved my chair away. Others shook their heads and glared at them. My sister-in-law, an attorney, told me that I should have called the authorities, but on what grounds? Spanking is legal in South Carolina. The man wasn't beating his son. He humiliated his son in public and proved to all the world that he's a humorless father with a terrible temper and weak parenting skills, but he didn't damage the boy physically.
Now, looking back, I ask myself, if that father was angry enough to spank his kid in front of everyone on the beach for something so trivial, what does he do when the child truly misbehaves? To this day I'm not sure what I should have done. Should I have spoken up? "Hey there! Take a deep breath and get a grip, Mister."? Perhaps.
I was reminded of this incident further during a Jewish ethics class I take once a week. We were discussing the characteristics of an ethical person. Maimonides, a renowned Jewish philosopher from the Middle Ages, said that anger is one character trait that we should avoid completely, even in situations where anger would be a normal response. "Therefore, [the Sages] instructed us that one should distance himself from anger so much so that one accustoms himself not to feel even things which [would ordinarily] incite one to anger. And this is the ideal path." To apply this to parenting, Maimonides says that if one needs to act angry to get a child's attention, that's OK, but one shouldn't actually be angry. Why? One reason is that when people are very angry, they do irrational things. Their wisdom and good judgement escapes them.
But the culture of using corporal punishment is not based on anger. Anger escalates it and ultimately is what kills children, but if we take the Montgomey Gentry song "You Do Your Thing" that says "I ain't gonna spare the rod, Cuz that ain't what my daddy did, And I sure know the difference between wrong and right" it shows a rationally made parenting decision. One of my graduate school professors tells a story about how she learned basic carpentry. She misbehaved in a way her father found so egregious that he had her go out to his workroom and use his saws, drills and sand paper to make a paddle that he later beat her with. It was obvious from the telling of the story that the memory of her father's cold cruelty was far more significant than any memory she had of the lesson learned. An angry parent who inflicts pain as the standard consequence for misbehavior is not going to be able to make good decision regarding the intensity of such a punishment. A parent who isn't angry, and still uses pain as a method of punishing or training a child, is either a bit of a sadist or sadly misguided by family tradition.
One of my favorite parenting songs is "Watching You" by Rodney Atkins, who is also performing at the Country for Kids concert. His song sweetly states that our children see how we behave and behave accordingly. In the song, the boy uses a swear word and tells the father he learned it from watching him, and when the boy prays, and the father realizes that the boy’s faith comes from watching him as well.
What part of our behavior do we want to see reflected back at us when we visit our children's households? How are we going to prevent sad stories like Zahra's from happening over and over again? I bet that some people don't think that these things are connected, but they are. Our tempers and methods of discipline are on a continuum. It's up to each one of us to decide where we are along that line and if we're really comfortable with how our behavior could ultimately affect our children and our children's children.
To promote discussion, I'm giving away the latest CD of one of the four artists performing at the Country for Kids concert, James Otto, Jason Michael Carroll, Clay Walker, or Rodney Atkins. Leave an interesting comment on this subject. Extra credit goes to the writers who uses a musical reference in their comments. I'll announce the winner on Monday Nov. 15th. The winner chooses which CD they want. If the winner doesn't want a CD I'll make an equivalent donation to N.C. Children's Hospital in thier honor.
"And there are more I remember
ReplyDeleteAnd more I could mention
Than words I could write in a song
But I feel them watching
And I see them laughing
And I hear them singing along
We're all gonna be here forever
So Mama don't you make such a stir
Just put down that camera
And come on and join up
The last of the family reserve"
You know if it's me, it's gonna be Lyle Lovett. One of the most telling things I read about parenting went something like this: It takes 100 times to install a good memory, but only once to install a bad one. Kids are always watching what we do, and listening to what we say, even if we think they aren't. I see that in how my oldest interacts with his siblings and other young kids. Most of the time, it's a good thing.
Rachel
I don't want the CD. I just wanted to tell you that this was a wonderful article. I came here from a link on a Jewish group I belong to and I'm glad I did. I'll be reading more of what you write. Thank you for giving me something to think about.
ReplyDeleteMany, many years ago I was around a family who I believed were abusive. They beat their children with belts, smoked pot with the children around and the baby on their laps and were just down right mean to them. I called child protective services. They went to the house and asked the boys, right in front of the parents, if they were abused. What do you think they said? They said they weren't so the case was closed. Meanwhile they missed the welts on the 6 year old’s backside and a month late the 8 year old had a black eye (he was acting “stupid” I was told and did it to himself). It is very sad that even when you do try to do something nothing is done to help. I have no idea what happened to them but I hope they are happy adults now treating their own families better than they got treated. The reality, however, is that they probably aren't. It usually takes the children having to look for help but that is rare as kids who are abused either don't realize something is wrong or are too afraid. My kids came to us as foster children almost 4 years ago. My oldest feared for her sister otherwise she never would have told.
But I do go on, don't I? I look forward to reading more of you.